Passion

My CEO recently described me as “something as unusual as a technician with a sense for design”.

It flattered me; because I’ve never seen myself as a technician. Although I am a software developer and build computer systems for a living, sort of, there’s a hidden quality that rests within me that perhaps is not immediately obvious to everyone:

Passion!

As calm as I am outside, inside I am a very passionate person. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are so intense, my whole nervous system so sensitive, that I can literally pick apart an orchestral work and step right into it, disassembling the sound as I listen to it and placing the woodwinds, brass and strings around me.

I guess that’s why I like music so much: The strings of my heart quiver when I hear music, like the strings of a violin guided by the touch of a skilled violinist. My soul can soar to unknown heights when it’s in sync with music that’s playing (which is a very good reason why I shouldn’t listen to opera at work, because I won’t get any work done) — and likewise, when trying to concentrate on work and someone else turns on the radio with some mindless beat music, I plunge to the very depths of despair.

Because I’m like that… Passionate.

It becomes a problem when I have to do administration at work. I should have sent out invoices this week; I remind myself every day to do it. (I’m going to do it tomorrow. Really. No, really!) And yet… it’s infinitely more fun to work on the new server; plunging into the depths of system configuration, reading books and FAQ’s, searching for clues and answers. Like a painter, with every stroke of the brush building towards the final picture, I add scripts, config files, download yum packages, step by step ever so carefully completing the server. It’s something I can pour all of my heart into, focusing all my energy upon it and storming this challenge with every intellectual capacity I have.

Yeah, the invoices. Right. Doing administration chores is … about as much fun as assembling parts at a factory. Like telling an artist who just created a beautiful painting, “okay, good, now make fifty of these and we should be about set”. And it’s not that I think less of that type of work (after all, it needs being done!) – it’s just that it’s not how I function.

So I have to motivate myself, find tricks to get things done, and focus, focus. Once I get into it, it usually works out okay, but I squirm and agonize over it for days. Because there’s no passion in it. And that’s why I sometimes pull off great and wonderful feats at work, and in between those moments my productivity can drop to … well, below everyone elses for sure. I usually manage to save the day by being kind of fast at doing things, once I get around to it, but…

I guess that’s why I write poetry about people I fall in love with – because I have to get those stormy feelings out somehow. I pity the woman that one day might fall in love with me… :)

So it’s back to work tomorrow – moving domains, sending out invoices, answering the phone and handling support calls. Chores, administration. Blech. But it needs being done.

But, my, that new server sure looks interesting…