I’ve been thinking. That’s never a good sign. :)

I build a lot of software systems. If I’m not designing a web platform for support cases, I’m building systems for PowerPoint presentations, or custom PHP frameworks, or… well, you name it.

But wherever I look, I’m almost invariably being replaced. The things I implement are being gradually replaced with standardized systems – which, I admit, is not a bad way to go. There is substantial power in a well-established platform with support behind it.

And yet, I cannot keep from dreaming. I see things… better ways of doing things, better designs, better user interfaces. I see ways of improving things. It’s like there is resident within me a power to dream; a power that is relentless, that causes me to skip five steps ahead when others just see two. The question that burns within me is the constant “why not?” that forces me to challenge everything, including myself, and strive for an elegance in software design that I otherwise seem to see so little of. Not that I’m bragging, I just… dream.

But so little of what I do can be maintained. It’s like I’m destined to be an oddball that pioneers ahead, but is always replaced by a standard product after a few years. And it leads me to think.

Do I actually do anything useful? Does it matter what I do? So much of my heart and passion goes into things that no one will ever see. Am I, in fact, a roadblock to other people? Do I paint myself and other people into corners which they will then have to get out of?

Maybe I should stop and just use normal off-the-shelf tools. Use Drupal or WordPress instead of building my own system. And yet, it’s difficult to bring myself to do so because it’s so ugly and normal and conventional and limiting. It feels like I’m being relegated to writing instruction manuals for blenders, instead of some new novel I’m dreaming of…

Is there a place for dreamers in our society? Where do I really fit in?

Will anything I do ever last?

“I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.” (You’ve Got Mail)