I’m trying to make heads or tails of this, but I’ve so far been unable to get any clear information from you guys. I tried chatting with an agent, which resulted in sort of an amusing story which I posted on my blog at www.gefvert.org, which didn’t tell me anything at all. Eventually I gave up and am now going to try this way of communicating with you. Please bear with me.

I have, today, a Digital Tier package, I think. Since the promotional period is expiring, it’s going to cost me about $126 a month, which is too much for my taste. In talking to a billing agent online, I was led to believe that I could instead get a Family Choice package, which would bring the bills down to $96 or something, but I wan’t to make sure what channels I get with that.

Now, I was given an excellent online channel lookup tool, using which I have been able to see all the channels included in different packages. What it doesn’t tell me, is what packages are included in a specific option. Let me explain.

In the Digital Tier package, we presently have all the channels included in the Basic Cable, Classic/Standard package, Digital Tier, and Family Choice. So I need to click several different checkboxes to find out what channels I currently have – I can’t just click on Digital Tier, because that excludes, for instance, Basic and Classic.

Now. If I choose to go with the Family Choice package, and exclude the Digital Tier, which channels would I ultimately end up with? Does the $96 I then would pay per month include *only* the channels in Family Choice, numbering 985-999, or would it also include the Basic package (channels 2-22), and/or the Classic package (channels 23-71)?

Because it seems like still a lot of money for only 14 channels, if the Family Choice channels are all I get.

Please clarify,
Matt

A nice person by the name of Vicki Bagley responded. (Emphasis mine, phone or ID numbers have been redacted.)

I understand you want to know what packages are included in a specific option in our channel lineup. I apologize for the problems you’ve experienced

I know how exasperating this has been for you, but we know the importance of our business with our valued customers. Let me assure you that what happened in your case is not typical of our level of customer service. We continue to be committed to providing you and all of our customers with the highest standards of service in the industry. While the lack of service you experienced is unusual and not the standard of our company, there is no excuse for a lackadaisical attitude on the part of any of our representatives.

I understand how important is for you to get the correct channel information on the packages subscribed. Once the promotional offer gets expired you will be charged as per the normal rates.

I regret to inform you that currently we do not have such feature in our channel lineup where you can get packages included in specific options.

We appreciate your feedback and will pass on to our product and development department.

I apologize, but I need to escalate your issue for additional research. You will receive a response within 2 to 3 days, or less on [my phone number] . I apologize for the delay, but I do want to ensure that the proper resolution is found. Please note that the ticket number for your escalation is: [ticket number].

Thank you for your patience and understanding. If you have any other concerns do let us know. We will be happy to assist you.

I just want to let you know that we have improved our Support page at www.timewarnercable.com. It has more information and can answer many of the questions you have. I am sure you will find it to be very helpful to get support on your issues.

Now, to be honest with you, their support page – which has improved considerably since I looked at it last – does contain largely the correct answer in their FAQ, under the section FAQ – Programming – Family Choice. But, at this point, I’m wondering if I’m ever going to find a right answer from one of their representatives.

So, here we go again.

Thank you for your kind answer. You should be aware that the number mentioned is my wife’s cell and you stand a better chance of being able to contact me on XXX-XXX-XXXX, if you do call.

So, if I interpret what you’re saying correctly, if we “downgrade” our account to Family Choice, then it’s only the channels included in the Family Choice package we get (in the order of about 14 channels) and nothing else? It seems strange, I thought networks were required to carry at least ABC, CBS and so on, but maybe I’m mistaken.

This time, someone with the name of Charlie Dias responds in the following manner:

I understand you would like to get the list of channel included in Basic, Classic, Digital Tier and Family Choice package. I apologize for the inconvenience and will be glad to assist you.

To view the channel lineup of your area (Sort By Package), please click on the following link:
http://www.timewarnercable.com/northeast/support/clu/clu.ashx?ChannelFilter=All&CLUID=661&Zip=04330&SortByPackage=true

Since we are technical and billing support, we do not have access to the pricing and package information you are looking for, however, I will certainly guide you to the appropriate support. Please contact us at XXXXXXXXXX or XXXXXXXXXX (working hours: 24 x 7, Monday to Sunday) and we will make every effort to assist you.

We appreciate your patience and understanding.

Hmmm… back to square one. This doesn’t tell me at all what I’m looking for! It’s like they don’t read the emails — the emails being sent back and forth *does* contain the full thread of the conversation.

Now I’m starting to get a little upset. According to the information I’ve read online by now, there is a “must-carry” principle that says that cable companies must carry a number of TV stations. By looking at the wonderful site at http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/ I search through the US Code and find the appropriate sections, contained in Title 47, Chapter 5, Subsection V-A “Cable Communications”.

So, one more try. We’ll see what happens if I write in a little more pointed tone.

No.

I am trying to figure out what channels I get to watch if I downgrade my account from a Digital Tier to a Family Choice Tier. I have repeatedly tried to acquire this information from you, but have so far been unable to get a proper answer from you. The channels in the Family Choice section of your channel lineup cannot be the only channels available – there has to be Basic or Standard channels as well.

Pursuant to the regulations established for cable carrier corporations in the United States, detailed in 47 US Code §534 and §535, each such corporation must carry a number of channels of local commercial character, and noncommercial educational television, respectively. One of your customer service agents told me that the Basic channels would not be included in the available channels if I got the Family Choice Tier, which would place you in violation of FCC regulations and Federal Law.

Therefore, I ask once again: Which channels would be included if I downgraded my account from Digital Tier to the Family Choice Tier?

And that’s the story so far. We’ll see how it goes.

Now the promotional period is over, and I’m trying to lower my bills. It seems to be like I could drop the Digital Tier and just go with Family Choice, which according to the billing agent I spoke to on the phone, would lower my bills by roughly $30. But I don’t know which channels are included in that — is it only the ones in Family Choice, or does it include Basic? Classic? I don’t know.

So, let’s ask an agent online.

User Mats has entered room
Analyst Ken Fox has entered room

Ken Fox> Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable. At the end of our chat you will be given the option of taking a brief survey. My name is Ken Fox. Please give me a moment while I access your account.
Ken Fox> I understand that you want to know which channels are available in Family package, am I correct?

Mats> Hi Ken Fox! I talked to you just before!
Mats> Yes, that’s right … looking at the channel list, I’m wondering what’s included.

Ken Fox> I will provide you the required information.
Ken Fox> Please let me know your ZIP code.

Mats> [[gives Ken Fox my zip code]]

Ken Fox> Thank you.
Ken Fox> Give me a moment please.
Ken Fox> http://www.timewarnercable.com/northeast/support/clu/clu.ashx?ChannelFilter=All&CLUID=661&Zip=04330&SortByPackage=true
Ken Fox> Please access this link in a new window.

I look at the list he provided. It very clearly lists all the channels included in each package – Basic, Classic, Digital Tier, Family Choice, etc. But it doesn’t list if Basic or Standard is automatically included if I get a particular package? Like I have now, Basic, Classic and Digital Tier. I’ll have to dig deeper.

Mats> So… Not sure how this works. Is Basic included in Family Choice?

Ken Fox> No it is not included.

Mats> Really??
Mats> Wow!

Ken Fox> Family Choice is a different package.

Mats> Well, if I get family choice then the price of my bills is going down from 126 a month to 98. But all I get for that is only 12 channels?
Mats> That sounds a bit rough.

Ken Fox> Do you want to add Family Choice package?

Mats> I think I’m trying to investigate what it means to drop the Digital Tier that I currently have and see what Family Choice might give me instead.

Ken Fox> Okay.
Ken Fox> Is there any other issue with which I can assist you?

Mats> You haven’t resolved my initial issue, I’m afraid :)
Mats> Today, I’m paying $126 for the Digital Tier, which includes, in the channel lineup, Basic and Classic – as far as I understand.
Mats> Suppose that I drop the Digital Tier, and get Family Choice. This would lower by bills by something like $30, but I won
Mats> Oops.
Mats> Won’t do it if all I get then is 14 channels.
Mats> So. If I do this, how many channels do I get, and which ones?

Ken Fox> So you want to know which channels you will get if you drop Digital Tier and get Family package?

Mats> Yes.

Ken Fox> You can check that in the link which I provided.

Mats> Thank you. You have been most helpful.

I swear, I honestly can’t tell if I’m talking to a live person or a bot.

ACT ONE:

A samurai warrior enters the stage, inspecting his lands and his village. He starts singing the first aria of the opera, “A Sacred Land, A Sacred Call”, extolling the virtues of the samurai and the honor that lies with his profession. “To die for the emperor”, he sings, “a duty; an honor – oh that I would be found worthy of doing so”. Two women nearby sit kneeling with their heads bowed in deep respect for this great warrior. After he is gone, they discuss the theme of the aria between them, and how they are, like him, honor-bound in their call to serve. “This is the Meaning of Life”, they sing together in wonderful, tear-jerking duet.

But events are afoot. The samurai’s son suddenly enters the stage, looking for his father after many years away in Kyoto. They meet; father is delighted to see him and wonders how he has been doing. Alas, it is soon revealed, that the son has not followed in his father’s footsteps; he has become a traveling salesman for Hershey’s Chocolate Kisses. The samurai, enraged, commands him to stop immediately and storms out. The end of Act One ends with the son, singing to a sad tune on the clarinet, “How I Love Japan; But I Love Hershey’s Kisses Too”.

ACT TWO:

The Japanese villagers are now talking among themselves and rumor quickly spreads that the samurai’s son is a salesman for Hershey’s. Some of the villagers argue that chocolate, in every form, is a good thing and Japan must embrace the influences of the new world; others argue against; when suddenly the samurai himself appears. Finding that his authority is weakening, he quickly summons his son and asks him “very well, have you changed your mind?” The son refuses to leave his new profession, and the samurai, dishonored and enraged, throws him into a bamboo prison cell. “There you will stay”, he bellows, “until you respect your honor!”

The drama develops when a team of Hershey Co. lawyers emerge on the scene, singing a transformation of the main theme, “What Ho, What Ho? What Transpires Here?” The samurai threatens to kill the lawyers on the spot, but they quickly produce a document signed by the Emperor himself, which no samurai can question, that Hershey’s Chocolates are legitimate all over Japan by royal decree. The second act ends with the samurai father falling on his knees in shame and dishonor, crying. The villagers look on terrified.

ACT THREE:

The samurai, unable to bear the shame of his son as a traveling Hershey’s salesman, has reached a decision: He will commit suicide. The villagers are mortified, and the team of Hershey’s lawyers are beaten by them until they repel them by threatening to sue them for libel. The samuari ends this quarrel by stepping onto the stage with his swords; a gray, somber figure with ashen face, prepared to do his duty. His son sings his final aria to him from the bamboo prison, “Will You Not See: a New Dawn for Old Japan”, but the father refuses to listen.

But by mistake, when the samurai reaches for his last sake glass, he accidentally grabs a Hershey’s Chocolate Kiss instead and puts it in his mouth! Apalled at first, his countenance soon changes as he realizes he has made a dreadful mistake, and everyone soon starts laughing. He lets out his son, forgiving him with tears in his face, and the opera ends with the grand finale, the duet between father and son, singing “Here is Tradition Too”, indicating that there are traditions in Hershey’s Company as well, as it is in feudal Japan, and that both can coexist together through honor and mutual respect. The villagers and lawyers combine in a final, grand chorus. The sun sets over the cherry trees which are now blossoming in full, and the curtain falls. The End.

This must be one of the most worthless balloon popups ever. Did I now…?

Well, I’m so glad you told me. Because I have no idea what I’m doing with my own two hands.

Supposedly, the idea is that you run the water through electrolysis, producing hydrogen and oxygen, and the burn the two together, giving off energy. This energy is allowed to power the car, and the only exhaust is water. Sounds like a good, clean, energy-efficient system, right?

Except that violates the fundamental laws of nature. You can’t get more energy out of an engine than you put into it. And water happens to be one of the least energy-rich materials on earth. That’s why we have oceans of water just floating around, doing nothing; and which is also why we use it to put out fires.

Of course, the counter-argument is that you can, in fact, electrolyze water into hydrogen and oxygen. And you can, in fact, burn these two together, giving energy. But it still is a closed system – water goes in, water goes out – and you can’t create energy in between with anything less than the complete annihilation of matter¹, which involves anti-matter anyway².

And, yes, fuel cells run on hydrogen, which can be made from water, but in that case you should have cars running on hydrogen, not water. As soon as you put water as a source material, you’ve got a closed system again, and the total amount of energy that can be even theoretically extracted is 0 joule.

So there.

I’m just writing this to set the record straight.

Now if anyone dares to comment on this article, saying that I’m wrong, I’ll taunt you and poke you with a sharp stick.

¹⁾ Which means you end up with less water anyway. Thermodynamic laws are intact.

²⁾ Finding, containing and utilizing antimatter for energy would be a cool thing. But dangerous. Not likely to be done in vehicles anytime this century.

Muahahahahahahah!!!!

(… no, not really. But I like the phrase disturbingly much.)