I suppose it is no secret to those around me, that I have, for many years now, believed God that He would one day lead me to find a special someone, with whom I might share my life. A woman, whom I might fall in love with, and someone who might love me back, unconditionally and unrestrainingly, for as long as we both shall live. This is a prayer that I have carried with me, almost from the time when I first became saved. I still remember how I felt God speaking to me in Bible school and afterwards, and since then on many occasions, that He would one day lead me to someone. And how I have awaited this! It’s not (at least not so much anymore) that I’m desperate to find someone, or needing anyone – but I feel, from the bottom of my heart, how I am but one part in something that was meant to be greater; a unity between Man and Woman, sealed through love and love alone.

And how I have imagined that moment when I finally shall stand before her, giving her my heart and holding nothing back! To look into her eyes and see love alone; to gently stroke her hair as I lie beside her; in holding her and feeling like I never want to let her go – moments I look forward to and eagerly await.

But time has drawn out. Years pass, so remote seems now the promise, so difficult it is to still believe after all this time.

My prayer, then, is this: That with a tear silently running down my cheek, I ask God to “forgive me my willingness to give up; forgive me my doubts and my unbelief. Lord, my faith is weak, and your promise seems to distant.”

But God was there. And He reminded me of Joseph, who got thrown into Pharaoh’s jail – how dark and murky that must have been – for years and years. Joseph was a man with dreams, with hopes and promises, but his path took him through the darkest place imaginable. For many years he struggled in jail, still believing against all odds, still hoping for that one moment when everything would change.

As Pharaoh sent for one of his cellmates, Joseph whispered to him “remind Pharaoh of me, will you?” But as Benny Hinn explained in one of his crusades some time ago, “it’s not how long [Joseph] had to wait; it’s how long did God have to wait? He was not dead yet!” For, except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone. But if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit. (John 12:24) Two more years was yet to pass before Joseph was ready.

It is not impossible, then, that Joseph’s prayer was similar. “Forgive me, God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob”, he might have prayed in the stillness and darkness of his jail. “Forgive me, for my faith is weak. Forgive me my willingness to surrender, to give up. It is so hard to believe, and this prison cell is so small. Who am I to question Your plan for my life? But Your plans seem so distant, and I am so small. Lord, forgive me.”

When, in the movie Matrix Revolutions, the war between man and machine finally ends, and the spiritual leader Morpheus tentatively walks out from the barricades and looks up at the thousands of sentinel robots on a cautious stand-down, he speaks these words in amazement to himself: “I have imagined this moment for so long.” What Morpheus dreamed of, hoped for, worked towards for his entire life, finally happened. It must have been a similar feeling to that of Joseph, standing in front of Pharaoh and fully reinstated into service. An altogether unreal feeling, that you hardly can believe it’s happening.

So I carry these words within me. And I pray Joseph’s prayer, for forgiveness for my weak faith; for forgiveness that I question His plans; for forgiveness that this burden is so hard to carry. And that it is so hard to believe when nothing of His plan seems to stir. Yet this hope still glimmers within, that one day, I shall stand next to her, look into her eyes, and give her my heart.

Lord, help me.

So, I’m back from Florida.

I felt back sometime during Thanksgiving that I really wanted to go to the U.S. again, specifically this time to see my good friends Dan and Anna-Cajsa. So, I booked a flight and went there in early January, and stayed for about a week.

Overall, nice experience. Florida, by now, feels about as exciting as going to Falköping; still, it’s nice to be there in 70 degrees and sunshine. The time was mostly spent hanging around the house with their two little daughters, and going to either Wal-Mart or any of the fast-food places (Dip-in Donuts, Sonic, Captain D’s, Taco Bell… you name it).

I took some pictures, not that many, but a few.

This is where Dan and Anna-Cajsa live, in a nice little house just off the street from the hospital. It’s a nice, rather quiet street, and the house has several rooms, including an office, where I slept. Dan could sometimes be seen on the veranda, busy on the phone as usual, negotiating real estate.

Dan has several vehicles. This truck is, as American custom is, the biggest and baddest set of wheels ever. It’s a Ford F-350 super-duty, and it call pull a house off its foundation if you wrap a chain around it.

Bob came down from… North Carolina, or possibly Tennessee (?) … to sell his Jeep Cherokee. It was nice to see him again. He stayed for a week and left the day after I did, but in the meantime, we drove all over town, talked, ate donuts, and went to Wal-Mart.

I wonder if this is the same thing as our Ice Cream truck in Sweden. I can just see it going down the neighborhood block with a jingly little tune… “ooh, come kids, it’s the Doritos truck!” :)

Making the cars look good is very important. Before selling Bob’s jeep, we took them for a wash at a washing station, where you deposited coins into machines and power-washed your car. I had to take a picture of this little machine though. It’s a vacuum machine, but with additional fragrances that you could put into the car as you vacuumed it. Only in the United States can you vacuum your car and have it smell like Piña Colada when it’s done.

We played a little miniature golf too. American miniature golf is really nice usually, since they put a lot of effort into the course, with different lighting, water, moving items and so forth. This was pretty new, but still enjoyable. Please pay no attention to the gorilla butt in the distance.

All in all, Marianna, FL is probably not the place I would pick for my dream vacation. I think the highlight of the city is actually the Wal-Mart Supercenter. But, seeing my American friends again, was a good experience.